Review - Cuisineer

Fernando Da Costa

7 hours ago7 min read

Developer: Battlebrew Productions

Publisher: XSeed

Available On: PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, and PC

Reviewed On: Nintendo Switch

YOUR ORDER’S UP!!

Growing up, I went through a pretty huge mobile phase. I mean, I was borderline obsessive. The idea of having gems such as Secret of Mana or Lunar on my iPhone was enticing. The novelty of having access to these titles while on the toilet was what convinced me to drop serious cash on the App Store. It wasn’t just the nostalgic JRPGs, though, as I also had my eye on an original IP that I actually grew quite fond of. It was known as Diner Dash; a restaurant management sim that had me waiting tables. Granted, it’s a simple concept, but the strategy behind it proved alluring. I was left hungry for more of the same and in 2025, I get to eat.

Cuisineer won’t be surprising the world, finding itself nestled within the Roguelike genre. It first released a year ago as a PC exclusive and received a modest reception. As of writing, it sits at a Mostly Positive on Steam. Folks had opinions, both ridiculing and praising gameplay. It’s obviously a divisive romp but where does that pendulum land for me?

MY TOOTH HURTS!!

During her adventures, the Protagonist, Pom, receives a note from her parents. Inside, they reveal that they’re time is limited. See, it appears that they’re about ready to embark on a heavenly journey; but wait, it isn’t that kind. As a departure from the dead relative trope, the two of them are actually heading for a cruise. Before they do, however, they wish to say goodbye. And so, Pom hurries back, only to discover that it was a ploy. Mommy and Daddy have gone, forcibly making her the sole owner of the family business. To add insult to injury, she inherits their debt, too. With no other option, her priority now is collecting the necessary funds.

With the wholesome aesthetic that Cuisineer has, this complaint may seem redundant. Regardless, the dialogue is nothing but lollipops and rainbows. The NPCs have barely any individuality because it feels as if they fall into an overly positive template. Their personalities blend together which in turn creates a village of one-dimensional husks. I’ll concede that when it comes to Pom and her best friend, Biscotti, it’s a decent bit better. Still, I wish there were squabbles here and there. Of course, nothing extreme, but it would help with realism. Plus, I think I have a cavity thanks to how sweet it is. Fortunately, there’s a glimmer of hope.

I can recognize where the passion is opposed to isn’t. For every bland character, there are those with flavour. Briquette the smithy is spunky and silly. Naicha is committed to the art of boba tea and creating fun concoctions to serve. We’ve got a lady that’s absolutely swooning for the town carpenter and a mysterious man that is unintentionally a tad creepy. What we have here is a half and half - some stilted, and some quirky, but mostly meh. I can’t handle how disgustingly positive it is. Yeah, it’s a weird gripe but I’m just not a fan of the constant niceties. Perhaps this speaks to who I am as a person but man, I’d be giddy for a bit of conflict.

OFF TO THE FOREST!!

Cuisineer’s gameplay loop is built upon three main foundations. The first is serving the patrons of the restaurant by cooking whatever it is they’ve asked for. I can’t do that, though, without the ingredients on hand. Flour, spices, and eggs are but a few things I’ll be hunting. To obtain them, it’s as simple as killing the monsters spread throughout unique areas. After the slaughtering, the materials drop and instantly magnetize to Pom. That alone deserves some celebration. I love that picking anything up is fully automatic. Okay sure, there’s a limit to how far the absorption reaches but luckily, the distance afforded is a doozy.

The combat itself is the standard Action RPG hack and slash. Usually, that’s sufficient enough to tickle my taint but it gets complicated with Cuisineer. On the one hand, I adore that evading is highly responsive and snappy. Even when I’m mid-strike, I can cancel it to roll to safety. In that respect, my focus remains on screen, boosting my engagement. On the other hand, that changes when executing combos. You see, for whatever reason, they stun-lock most enemies. Since they’re frozen in place, there’s no need for dodging. Instead, I’m mindlessly hitting the melee button, swinging whatever I’m wielding. That lack of threat is a hindrance.

Furthermore, there’s honestly no sense of progression to speak of. In total, I’ve got eleven weapons at my disposal. These can be upgraded via Briquette but it’s never to a degree where it’s noticeable. Bluntly, it’s abysmal. The baseline damage done increases by one but I didn’t feel stronger. Despite my Spatula being a 3-Star Rank, the time it took to murder tadpoles or sentient peppers didn’t feel quicker. Without the dopamine rush that I get from seeing my numbers rise, there was zero excitement. Despite the variety, I ignored the bulk since none meshed with my play-style. That led to stagnation that then contributed to my boredom.

TOO MANY CHOICES!!

The second piece of the foundation tries to negate what I’ve outlined above by introducing passives. These come with varying effects that infuse the Salt N Pepper Fisticuffs and Tenderizers of the world with the ability to freeze monsters, erect poisonous clouds, or raise Pom’s health, to name a few. What’s neat is how dishes I cook actually have a key role in determining which is chosen. It could be that the Alfredo Pasta gives me the ability to throw plates as I attack. Cuisineer wants to promote experimentation so badly. Sadly, what ultimately holds it down is the awful RNG. With an immense pool of possibilities, duds are very common.

Unfortunately, that won’t be the end of the headaches. For instance, if there are two separate perks, then the initial one will be locked. What I mean is that I can’t customize it like I can the second slot. I’m stuck with whatever unless I go out to grind for another weapon. Again, the issue is the crazy amount of potential options which, again, could take several hours for something great to drop which, in itself, isn’t exactly a guarantee. It’s a huge slog. Essentially, it’s too reliant on Lady Luck and she’s a temperamental woman. Her RNG is criminal, sucking the joy right out of this feature. Worst yet, it doesn’t even feel rewarding to mess with.

WHAT’LL IT BE!?

Finally, let’s discuss the last brick of the foundation. Hell, I reckon it’s the strongest part; tending to my customers and preparing their orders. In the beginning, it’s stupidly easy to gain favourable reviews and put smiles on faces. As my reputation grows, however, it’ll no longer be a cakewalk. The challenge is boosted as villagers crowd in. I have to be focused on the action. Not only because I want to be proficient in how I serve folks but also to catch those that dine and dash. There’s plenty of variation to this single mechanic, keeping it from getting repetitive. Most importantly, I didn’t feel overwhelmed or panicked during those busy rushes.

As for the recipes, well, those are given to me from the NPCs in town. In exchange for completing side-quests, my prize is the know-how to make Hash Browns or Pizza. What I see being a roadblock is the fact that the majority have you fetching ingredients. Yup, it’s a ton of back and forth that when mixed with the subpar battles, any delight fizzled away. Sure, benefits may be nice but that doesn’t hide the truth that it felt like a chore. It’s a shame because learning new dishes does come with benefits like helping Naicha with her Boba Tea concoctions. I do like the general idea behind it but the execution is what leaves a lot to be desired.

I COULD EAT YOU UP!

Cosmetically, Cuisineer‘s visuals are hit and miss. Character portraits, and food depiction, for example, are very well-drawn. Hell, looking at the Fish and Chips or Soup illustrations on an empty stomach isn’t the smartest due to how absolutely scrumptious they look. It drummed up my appetite on many occasions - my hats off to the artist. That said, a drawback is in the procedurally generated areas. I understand that the developers were limited by the Roguelike genre but that won’t change how uninteresting it is to my eyes. Thankfully, the quality of the town is higher. The toy-like, water-colour aesthetic is crisp, having a cutesy feel to it.

CAN I START!?

Regrettably, despite how simplistic the graphics are, performance is a bit spotty. It’s shocking, really, because looking at Cuisineer, I didn’t expect the Nintendo Switch to have many problems, yet here we are. It’s the loading during the transition into buildings that’s bothersome. In a vacuum, it isn’t a disaster. We’re talking a second of waiting here and a second there. It’s manageable until a longer session when it will start adding up. Suddenly, it begins to drag and puts a dead stop to my momentum. It got to the point where I planned tasks ahead of time to reduce that minor aggravation. Luckily, an optimization patch would address this hiccup.

AND THE TASTY VERDICT IS…

Cuisineer has all the components to become an enjoyable romp. The catch is that it suffers from what I consider to be a huge faux pas. It’s never going to feel like I’m evolving into a tough cookie. Pom didn’t feel like she was turning from a frail cat girl into a feline machine of death. It didn’t matter that I was moving the story along because I felt identical to how I did in the beginning. I could upgrade and refine my weaponry until I’m blue in the face but my damage output won’t get a discernible boost. Simply put, a handful of adjustments could salvage Cuisineer but as it stands, I could only stomach it in tiny spurts which has me thinking; get it on discount.